Mar
Articles, Relationships & Sex
Domestic Abuse [Part 3 of 3]
Part 3 of this three-part series on domestic abuse.
In the first article of this series, we looked at what domestic abuse looks like, and how to spot the warning signs. READ PART 1
In part 2 we looked at what you can do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. READ PART 2
Part 3 we look at what to do if you think that a friend or someone you know is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, it can be difficult to know what to do.
Here are a few tips to help you help them…
START A CONVERSATION
Find time to talk to your friend one-on-one in a private, safe space. Start by encouraging your friend and letting them know some positive things you admire about them.
Only after they feel a little more comfortable, calmly voice your concerns. Don’t state facts, but ask questions and use phrases like, “It seems to me…” or “From my limited perspective…” and “What do you think?”
It’s likely that they feel as though their life is already chaotic and you raising this issue may lead them to feel defensive or embarrassed. That’s OK. Don’t get defensive in return. Keep your cool, and extend as much grace and understanding as you can.
That way, they’ll know that they can always turn to you if/when they really need to.
BE SUPPORTIVE
Listen to your friend and let them open up about the situation on their own terms. Don’t be too opinionated or blame them for their current choices – they’re doing the best they can, and may feel legitimately fearful to do anything else.
On the other hand, they may feel personally responsible for their partner’s behaviour or as though they brought on the abuse and are to blame. If this is the case, assure them that this is not true.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own behaviour, and no matter what the reason, abuse is never okay.
FOCUS ON SPECIFIC BEHAVIOURS, NOT BIG LABELS
The focus of the conversation should be on the unhealthy aspects of the relationship. You may want to label the relationship as “abusive” to drive home the point, but this can cause your friend to retreat and shut down.
Instead, focus on the specific behaviours you’re seeing and how that behaviour makes them feel.
For example, saying something like “It seems like your partner wants to know where you are a lot and is always texting and calling – how does that make you feel?”
This pinpoints the specific behaviour and gets your friend to think about how it makes them feel. You could also gently point out that this seems a little unhealthy to you.
Help them to understand for themselves that something is off about the relationship, and acknowledge that their feelings are legitimate. Keep the conversation friendly, not preachy.
BE PATIENT
Very few people in abusive relationships recognise themselves as victims.
And hardly anyone wants to be viewed that way. If you want to be helpful, make yourself emotionally accessible and available to your friend, and remind them that they really do have options.
EMPOWER THEM TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS
If your friend is in an abusive relationship, encouraging them to “just break up” is not always as helpful as it may seem.
Relationship abuse is very complex, and your friend may be experiencing some form of trauma bonding (loyalty to the person who is abusing them). Also, your friend is already dealing with a controlling and manipulative partner and the last thing they need is for you to mimic those behaviours by forcefully telling them what to do.
Rather, help your friend by highlighting their options (Part 2 in this series lists many).
Don’t push any one of them in particular, but instead let your friend know that you will support them no matter what they decide to do.
If your friend is planning to end things with their partner, create a safety plan with them because the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post-breakup. Maintain a calm approach when dealing with the situation and be open to what your friend is most comfortable with.
Regardless of this approach, if you believe your friend (or any children) are in immediate danger, you should alert the authorities.
Visit www.gbv.org.za for more info, or in an emergency:
CALL NOW 0800 428 428 Emergency Line
(PLEASE CALL ME) *120* 7867# supported by a USSD
Skype address – Helpme GBV for members of the deaf community
SMS ‘help’ to 31531 for persons with disability
This is very informative. I hope one day we have the courage to move away from such situations.
Very informative and important. It becomes even more difficult when you see another person in an abusive relationship as you want to help but worry you will be seen as nosy. I sure will save these tips
Thank you for this article, it shared some light on some things. Very informative indeed.
Very good and vital information
I think they should leave those relationships,is not easy but you will die and leave your kids.those a abusers they don’t have hearts when they hit you.how do you feel when you hit someone who doesn’t hit you or can’t hit you back.its very sad😭
Thank you for the article…my eyes are so much more open to dealing with abusive relationships and therefore can help someone facing these challenging times
This is so true….Thank you so much for such information,now we going to be able to help our family and friends that are still in an abusive relationship.
This gives hope to women that doesn’t have the strength to fight.
There is truely so much u can do, my twin sis was abused so much bt she ddnt wanna live the guy, I would get so mad, bt still p patient with her and talk to her about how important she is to me. She left da day I found her lying on da floor badly beaten with her 3yr old son kneeling nxt to her. I Wil never forget that day and all she had to go through to heal from her injuries and even emotionally
I think this is really helpful to anyone because it’s often times the victim would need support any anyone that is close to them should be able to provide them with comfort, as well as how to seek help
This is a very good article, but I find that in these abuse cases, the victim needs to seek for help as opposed to you trying to find the right approach to help them. Most women that are being physically abused go back to their partners and your efforts are meaningless at the end because they choose to go back. I’m speaking from experience. The only thing you can do is help the children because they can’t stand up or speak for themselves, but to get them to a safer environment can ease their mental state. The adult needs to make an informed decision then you can step in and assist!