The Good Divorce

Is it possible to end a marriage and stay amicable with your ex? Absolutely!

Nobody goes into any serious relationship expecting it to end, and yet sadly, the statistics shed some harsh light on the stark reality: almost half of all marriages end in divorce.

Yet despite the unavoidable heartache and stress of a break-up, if kids are involved, it’s worth doing whatever it takes to remain on good terms with your ex.

Here are three new ‘vows’ to say ‘I do’ to…

STAY CALM & KIND

Ask yourself, what do you really, really want? Revenge? Vindication? Or peace?

Whatever has caused the breakdown of your relationship, and whoever was mainly responsible, that’s not the main issue now. US author Merrit Malloy says, “Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all.” If you want to truly move on, your primary goal should be for everybody (you, your ex, your kids) to get to a place where you are actually at peace with one another.

Make no mistake, this doesn’t have to happen overnight (it rarely will). And there is nothing wrong with feeling the very big and very real emotions that are always part of a huge life change. But through it all, make a vow to stay calm, and kind.

To not react to the situation, but to pause and make measured decisions from a place of composed peace, not deranged pain and anger. In the end – this will help you to heal faster and to find the peace you truly deserve.

Continue to show up like the adult you are and model a healthy mastery of your own emotions – especially when kids are involved.

As one fellow mum and divorcee said, “It is much easier to transition from marriage to divorce when you accept that life changes, your partner is a good person, just not right for you, and hanging on to the anger or grief is counterproductive to your happiness.”

STAY CONNECTED

This point might seem contradictory. After all, isn’t the very purpose of divorce to separate from one’s spouse – not to stay connected?

But then again, if kids are involved, you will always be connected to this person – the other parent of your children. Unless there are reasons to really cut off all contact (if there is any form of abuse or if your ex poses any danger to you or your kids), it’s best to try and keep healthy lines of communication open.

Of course, you don’t have to be best buddies, but being able to properly and honestly talk to one another about all the complexities and admin concerning your kids and family life will really help you both in the long run.

Both parties should commit (perhaps even vow) to keep remembering that when it comes to the kids, you’re both on the same side: not on opposite teams. You both want to see your kids happy, succeeding, and thriving. When one parent sets out to be the ‘winning’ or ‘best’ parent – everybody loses.

Don’t make your kids take sides – help them to see the best in your ex. This will help everyone (especially your kids) to better adjust in the long run too.

PUT THE KIDS FIRST

It may seem obvious, but in the blur and chaos of a divorce, vow to put the welfare of your children first.

Leave your hurts and heartache at the door, don’t try to share them with your kids. Find adult friends and support for that.

Don’t let your kids play you off of your ex either – but try to present a united front to them (when it comes to parenting). Kids of all ages also need to be told, explicitly and repeatedly, that they are never the reason for your divorce.

This may seem fairly obvious to you, but children pick up on unspoken cues and messages and often wrongly interpret these. You really can’t tell them enough how much you love them, how much your love for them will never change (no matter what), and how much the cause of this transition has nothing to do with them.


For more advice on dating again, click HERE.

And if you’re a single mom looking for some solid financial wisdom, check out this 2-part podcast series with financial journo and fellow single mom, Angelique Arde HERE.

Mums if you have been through a divorce are you and your ex on good terms?

Comment below to let us know x

30 thoughts on “The Good Divorce

  1. shamenb says:

    I absolutely believe that u can be on good terms with ur ex partner especially if there are kids involved, by putting them first and nothing else.

  2. leeyaah50 says:

    Very Powerful and life changing advice indeed not only for divorcees but for (still) married couples too. We often become bitter in situations like this and that affects our well-being and our children too. I’ll have to save this article somewhere and everytime I face challenges in my marriage or decide to get a divorce I should read it again and follow the steps.

    Thank you so much Mumbox for this special article.

  3. mphela.itumeleng says:

    I’ve never been married but this article is enlightening. I have fear of getting married because of the rate of divorce. I think everyone needs to read this article

  4. ajtshisindi says:

    Divorce is never is and marriage was never meant to be endured but to be enjoyed. I think most divorces turns sour, hurtful and very hard because sometimes instead oof choosing to leave when we see that it’s not working, we hold on and make each other miserable living together like housemates and ends up resenting each other. Yes with kids is more difficult but what would be more hurtful for them, choosing to stay and they see both of you living like enemies or leaving and sitting them down and explain why??

  5. charnelle9 says:

    Thank you Mumbox for this article.
    I went through a bad divorce. I had to find myself again in order to move on from that. I had to learn to accept myself and learn how to be a single parent. Divorce is not a easy journey to go through for anyone no matter how strong you think you are it leaves you broken and everything changes. I have 2 kids and being a single mom wasn’t easy. I had to learn to cope but I did it. I picked up the pieces of my life I decided to empower myself by studying and to get a job so I could take care of my kids because I had no financial support.

    This article is very empowering and very helpful.

  6. nmonggae says:

    Well it’s just sad to think that it will be all normal after a hurtful divorce where a partner abused you and called you names, well he still does but pretend to care when in the vicinity of people we both know, as long as my babies are good and my sanity is good, we will continue to communicate via email

  7. jameela.mugjenker says:

    Thank you Mumbox, a great article indeed. A divorce is between the couple and not the innocent children. So yes please think of them and make the seperation as easy as possible and stay kind after divorce for healthier growing children. After all we set the example for our kids. Thank you

  8. Thabisile says:

    Thank you so much for this topic,shoo what can I can say I’m trying my level best to end it in a civilised manner considering the kids as well,and i hope we can be friends ….so this topic helped me alot although it’s still not easy i won’t lie

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