The Ultimate Friendship FAQ

Just like in any healthy friendship, you spoke – and we listened…

We spoke a lot about friendships last month, and listening too. Now, based on this fabulous community’s very own comments, questions and advice — we’ve put together THE ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP FAQ!

While a few, rare friendships might last a lifetime, others come and go as we move through life and change along the way. It’s really OK to let a friendship go – especially if it isn’t serving you anymore.

If you’ve grown or changed, you have permission to change the boundaries of your friendships too. Remember, friendships aren’t contracts.

“Making friends as an adult is a bit tricky and not as easy as when we were younger,” says mumbox member Mpolai. “I still have my childhood friends but have mostly drifted apart from (the rest).”

Absolutely. All real relationships will have moments of conflict. It’s how we navigate them that either creates connection or blocks it. When we are frustrated by someone, we can easily vent our frustration in the form of “feedback.” When we do this – we’re only truly interested in getting our perspective heard, not in hearing from the other.

Rather, wait until you’re in a place where you are genuinely ready to listen, not just speak. Remind yourself (and them) how much you care. Affirm their value to you first, then:

• Be specific—attack the problem not the person.
  Be solution-orientated—suggest ways to solve this conflict.
  Be selective—only mention the most important bits of feedback, what is truly worthy of criticism, and don’t also throw in what may be mere petty gripes or nitpicking on your part.

Here’s how Delene put it:

“Some people are temporary friends but (they can still) teach us valuable lessons in life. Then you get the real, honest to your face friend who becomes your best friend. I have a best friend like that. We do not sugarcoat anything. If something is wrong, it is wrong and we tell it to eachother’s faces.

Yes, we have fought a lot of times but we always talk it through… We have laughed together, cried together, we even got matching tattoos for our special friendship. You only get a true friend like that once in a lifetime, cherish and nurture that friendship.”

If your friendship has grown toxic, and what’s holding it together isn’t mutual love and respect, but rather fear, jealousy or distrust – it’s definitely time to let go. Often, friendships can also be stuck in the past – keeping you in the past with them.

Remember, you are not your past. If a friend is constantly trying to remind you of your past or define you by something you no longer identify with – let them know, or let them go.

“Learning how to be a good friend involves learning how to identify a toxic friendship, too,” says fellow-mom Nqobile. “Friendship is a two-way street. If you aren’t a good friend, why would someone feel the need to support you?”

It starts and ends with a little perspective and a lot of compassion. First of all, remember how important friendships really are. Friendships aren’t just good for our emotional health – they can actually extend our life too! In fact, some researchers believe that might be why women tend to live longer than men (because they typically invest more in their friendships).

This recent Forbes article confirms this theory – proving that socializing improves our happiness, helps us deal with stress and even extends our life expectancy!

“Don’t forget that your best friend was there long before your significant other and find a healthy balance in how you invest your time in your relationships,” says Martha.

To have (and keep) our friendships healthy, we don’t only need to prioritise them, but lavish them in grace too—knowing that we’re all fighting some big battles.

With life as busy and demanding as it is, we’re going to have to lower the bar of expectation a little and accept that we just don’t have the same margin that we used to have…

As Roxanne says: “I have 2 best friends that I hardly see like I used to… life gets so busy that we don’t always have time… especially when having kids and being a working mom. But we always make time to message or call each other to keep the connection going.”

“This month’s promise to myself is to rekindle my friendships,” says Xolisile. “With adulting in the way, plus our babies, partners and work, the last thing we do is make time to see each other and that is what draws us apart. We end up being lonely, when all we must do is just pick up the phone and set up a date… it doesn’t even have to be costly. So from now on, I (want to be) as active in my friendship circle as I am in my other relationships.”

“I have 3 closest friends,” says Cindy. “We do not see each other often, but our bond is so strong. With our busy schedules, we create time to meet once in a while. Oh, and we’re all Mumbox members—so our conversations must include Mumbox!”

Wonderful feedback mums – you are what makes this community so special.

In a real way – we’re not just fellow-mums on here trying to make our way through the messy middle of life, we’re friends too.

Keep the good vibes coming x