When Your Good Girl Turns Mean Girl

You remember those infamous “Mean Girls” from the hit teen movie, right? The ones who ruled the school with their sharp words, judgmental glances, and cutting corridor whispers. While they may have been fiction, the not-so-pleasant reality is that the “mean girls” phenomenon is something many tween and teen girls have to face in real life.

While it’s a tough world out there, helping our daughters to navigate it with strength and kindness isn’t just possible, it’s potentially world-changing.

[Share this article with a friend who has a daughter – because, on our own, we can get by. But together, we’re unstoppable.]

The “Mean Girls” Effect

Before we dive into the how, let’s understand the why. Adolescence is a tricky time. Hormones are doing the cha-cha-cha, peer pressure is cranked up to eleven, and girls’ self-esteem can feel as fragile as spun glass. It’s no wonder some girls fall into the trap of being a bit “bitchy” or “catty” to protect themselves from getting hurt or embarrassed.

Sometimes, being part of the “mean girl” clique feels like a shortcut to social acceptance. But it’s not the way – it’s never the way… not just because it’s bad for those outside of the clique, but because it’s especially toxic for those inside it.

When our sense of belonging in a group is strung together by a noxious blend of ‘fear’ (of being left out), ‘fake’ (to keep up the cool appearance), and ‘mean’ (excluding others as a means to feel included) – our entire sense of self and our place in the world is on shaky ground.

Deep insecurities, pain, and anxieties can’t help but be hidden away, denied, and left undealt with – only to show up later in our lives, like cracks on the 10th floor of a building built on a faulty foundation.

So how can we as moms deal with the mean and weed out attitudes that lead to these kinds of cliques in the first place?

Teach Empathy

Encourage your daughter to walk in another girl’s shoes, even if those shoes aren’t the trendiest or most stylish. Help her to understand that everyone is fighting their own battles, even the girls who seem like they’ve got it all figured out. Sit down with your daughter and have real conversations. Ask her how she would feel if she were the one on the receiving end of snide comments or exclusion.

Model Kindness

Here’s a real reality check from parenting coach, Robert Fulghum:

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

Like it or not, our children learn more from what we do than what we say. So, we must model kindness in our own lives. Show empathy, compassion, and inclusivity in your daily interactions and the way you talk about others when they’re not around.

Be mindful of your own words and actions. If your daughter sees you as being supportive and kind, she’s more likely to emulate those behaviors in her relationships.

Cruel Isn’t Cool

Instead of resorting to gossip or passive-aggressive behavior, teach your daughter healthy conflict-resolution skills. Explain why and how gossip and rumors can do serious harm. Teach your daughter the value of keeping personal matters private.

Encourage her to be a trustworthy friend, to avoid spreading hurtful stories, and to communicate openly and honestly with her peers. Show her how to express her feelings and concerns in a respectful manner. This can be a game-changer in dealing with disagreements without turning to “bitchiness.”

Foster Individuality

Remind your daughter that she is unique and beautiful just the way she is. The need to fit in can be overwhelming, but it’s essential to nurture her self-esteem and self-worth. Encourage her to embrace the quirks and qualities that make her special.

Empower Wise Choices

While we can strive to be kind to everyone, we don’t need to be friends with everyone. Help your daughter to understand that she has the power to choose her friends. Encourage her to seek out friendships with those who uplift her and make her a better person.

If she finds herself in a toxic friendship, teach her that it’s okay to step away and seek out healthier connections.

Moms – By the way – all of these tips above apply to us adults as much as they do to our kids. By teaching empathy, modeling kindness, and helping our girls to build rock-solid self-esteem, we empower them to create a world where hopefully, more women can rise and celebrate one another along the way.

Together, let’s do all we can to raise this next generation of girls – to be strong, confident, and kind young women.

It’s not going to be easy, but nothing of real significance ever is.

Share this with a friend who has a daughter – because, on our own, we can get by. But together, we’re unstoppable.

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